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Title: Not Entirely Perfect

Author: Kate


Disclaimer: I wish, but who doesn't. Josh and Co. owns 'em.

Rating: G

Content: B/A

Spoilers: To Sanshu, any episode you've seen Angel sired (I can think of at least two)

Timeline: After the big battles, so soon I guess. Within the next year or so.

Synopsis: Angel's thoughts on turning human.

Author's Note: This is from Angel's point of view. Pretty please, with sugar on top tell me what you think. * * * Means a flash back.

It's all I've wanted for so long now. Holding on to the hope of a faded yellow parchment and the memory of a day that didn't actually happen. The thing I believed I'd lost forever on that night in Galway two and half centuries ago. The thing I tortured for a century, killing and destroying. The thing taken from me from Darla and brought closest to me by Buffy.

My Humanity.

Of course I was nieve enough to think that it would all go easily. That one I became human my life would be perfect. You'd think after living as long as I have, I would have learnt. Poor Cordelia, I don't think I've ever seen somebody look that fake happy before.

* * *
"You're alive," Cordelia repeated.
"Yeah, heart beating and all," I replied.
"That's, that's great, um, I have to go now," she said and picked up her bag.
"Are you sure, I thought I'd open some champagne and celebrate," I asked surprised.
"Yeah, well, I have to go find another job and all," she replied and left the building.
"I'm sure she'll get over it soon," Wesley offered.
"Not likely," Gunn muttered.

Later that night when she came into get her stuff, I sat down next to her. .
"Do you want to talk?" I asked. .
"Are you kidding, this is a great time for you. Wouldn't want to way you down with my problems," she said not meeting my sight. .
Sometimes I forget how sarcastic she can be "Cordelia, you'll find another job. I'm sure," I assured her. .
"You don't get it," she said finally looking at me. "This was more than just a job. This was my family, it was a purpose in my life, I was needed for once, not just wanted." .
"Cordelia," I started, not really knowing how to reply. "It's not like we're never going to see each other again." .
"Right, 'cause I make it down to Sunnydale often," she muttered. .
"Who says I'm going to Sunnydale?" I protested Cordelia raised her eyebrows. "She could totally reject me you know, I might end up back here," I pointed out. .
"Not likely. But I'll make you a deal, I'll forgive you for turning human if you promise to keep in touch," Cordelia told me. .
I looked at her oddly, "Despite the weirdness of that, I promise." .
"Good," she smiled.* * *.
And I do keep in touch, with everyone. We pull out all the spare beds and have an 'oldie's sleep-over' as Dawn puts it. Of course it took me nearly two weeks to actually gather the confidence to go down to Sunnydale. Wesley and Cordelia thought it was quite amusing.

* * *.
"You're scared of being rejected aren't you," Wesley smiled. .
"No," I shot back at him. .
Cordelia only giggled. .
"Maybe a little bit," I relented "okay terrified, happy." .
"Best not to be in denial," Cordelia said. .
"Yeah, thanks," I told her. .
"She can only say no," Wesley offered. .
"That's reassuring," I told him. .
"Look, you're the tragic lovers of all time. Now your human and you can, not be so tragic with her. Unless Buffy's fashion taste has got even worse, in which case she'll be tragic," Cordelia said. .
"I'm sure that was very reassuring," Wesley told Cordelia. .
"Hey, just because some of the population where different outfits each day, and have different accessories other than dusty books," she shot back. .
"Well, not all the female population tend to wear push up bras and too much perfume, but that doesn't stop you," Wesley replied. .
"I don't wear too much perfume," she said, then tuned to me "do I Angel?" I looked at both of them "I'll go tomorrow." .

* * *.
It was night time when I arrived at her doorstep, and I experienced real fear for the first time. The thumping in my chest and the shortness in my breath, I thought I was dying again. But eventually, I calmed down and knocked on the door.

* * *.
"I'll get it," I heard Dawn yell from inside. She opened the door and said "Angel, Hi. Do you want Buffy?" .
"Yeah," I stammered. .
"Buffy," Dawn yelled. .
"Yeah," Buffy's voice came down the stairs. .
"It's for you," Dawn said, then with a smile left. I slowly walked inside, fidgeting hopelessly. .
"Angel, what are you doing here?" Buffy said with a smile, then it became a slight frown "you've got a something face." .
"Yeah, um, can we talk?" I asked trying to level my voice. .
"Am I right to be worried?" she asked walking into the lounge room and sitting down on the sofa. .
I went and sat down next to her "No, you don't have to be worried," I reassured her. She looked at me and smiled "'Cause you're doing that for me." .
"No, I'm worrying for myself, I promise you don't have to worry," I stuttered. .
"You're babbling, what's up?" Buffy asked in her sweet and gentle way. .
I looked at her and took a deep breath, "I, No. There was this prophecy, which said that after the final battles I would, become human." .
Buffy's eyes widen "When did you find this out. My god did it say when, is there another stupid clause, 'cause if there is I-".
I put my hand on her cheek, and she stopped talking, "You're babbling." "Oh," was all she could say. .
"I found out a while ago, but that's not important," I told her "Because, because it's happened, I'm human, no clauses or anything. I just thought you should know." Tears of happiness welled in her eyes and she put her hand over mine "Oh god, Angel."

* * *.
Dealing with Cordy and telling Buffy were probably the hardest things. Not that's everything's perfect now. Xander still acts like the immature person he is and still calls me dead boy. And it's hard, watching Buffy go out to slay and know that I can't protect her like I once could. Putting bandages on her injuries constantly thinking If I had the strength I use to I could have prevented it. I miss it, and it's even the tiniest things that get to me, that sometimes I just can't do anymore. But the benefits of sunshine, heartbeats, food and Buffy out way all the problems. Even if it has lead me to this particular moment in time, where I would give almost anything to have my vampire strength back. But I give up, what choice do I have. .
"Buffy," I call desperately. .
She arrives at my side, looking smug. .
"Can you open this jar?"

The End